Why I Chose to Quit

Those that know me well know that I'm pretty tenacious when it comes to fulfilling my commitments.  Even when the "writing is on the wall" (in giant black sharpie marker) I'm very hesitant to quit anything-jobs, relationships, volunteer commitments-anything. I'm not a quitter. I was raised to fulfill my obligations.  To me, quitting is defeat, failure, a proverbial mark on my character.  I hope that I am instilling this same "never quit" attitude in my daughter as well as other people that I influence (if there are any).  

But sometimes we have to quit because it's the right thing to do.  

And I have.  

And it is painful.  

And it is defeating. 

And in the end, it is for the best.

And I hope that my daughter and others learn from this, too. 

Whether it's a job, a relationship or a volunteer commitment, sometimes the best thing for everyone is to back away-resign, leave.   To quit.  And there is, perhaps, an even better example to be set in quitting.  

Do we want our children to learn the lesson that the job that makes us ill is worth keeping?  That the relationship that is causing us to loose who we truly are worth staying in? That the volunteer opportunity we signed up for is not as rewarding as we thought because it taking too much time away from our family?

So I quit.  We quit.  We left Dancing with the Community Stars. As a couple, but more importantly: As a family.   

Due to scheduling and travel distance, it was taking over 6 hours of our Sunday.   Like most families, because of custody agreements, busy schedules with extracurricular activities, work schedules and just life, Sunday was the only full day that we had as a family without pre-scheduled obligations. We thought we could give it away to a worthy cause for 9 months.  But 3 months in, we realized we were sacrificing far more than our time.   We were sacrificing our family. Our children.  And even our happiness.

Initially, our kids were excited about our participation. (Ok, it was more like amused and horrified at the thought of us dancing in public, but you get the idea) We are a community service-oriented family and work hard to instill in our children an attitude of helping others.   But other than assisting us with upcoming fundraising events, they really could not participate with us-as a family. 

Each "family weekend" both children would show up at our house with a week's worth of things they wanted to do during our time together-however, due to our DWTCS commitment, we generally had just a few hours on Saturday to fit as much in as possible. For three months there was far more "no, we don't have time this weekend" than "yes, that will be fun". 

Then Christmas happened. Or more like it almost didn't happen.  At least not the way any of us would have preferred.  And that was not okay with any of us.  Sunday after Christmas we sat and had our usual Sunday breakfast as a family.  Although, since our DWTCS venture started, it usually was Joe and the kids while I was getting ready to leave the house.  But not this day.  I sat at the table with them like I used to. And we talked, as a family, about the commitment and how it was impacting our family time. We discussed pros and cons of staying committed to our volunteer obligation vs our obligation to our family.  Both kids provided great insight.  We agreed, as a family, to quit.  And it was okay.

But we didn't choose to quit entirely.  We will still participate, as a family, by assisting with the fundraising, which is the whole point of DWTCS anyway! 

What lessons did we teach our children?  First and foremost-that they are first and foremost in our lives.  Second-that despite the fact that occasionally we have to remind them who the "bosses" are :-) , that they do have a voice in how we run our family. Third-that quitting sometimes IS okay.  Finally, that quitting does not have to be an "all or nothing" proposition.  You can quit, but still find a way to meet your obligations.  As a family 

My Public Challenge to the "Secret Sisters Gift Exchange"

I am sure we have all seen it by now--the Facebook post to become part of a $10 holiday gift exchange--I have a seen it called a few different names, including a "less sexist" one that could easily include the guys. The first time we see it, it is exciting!  "I can get stuff, 36 pieces of stuff, for just $10!!  "YEAH STUFF!" our mind tells us because we have become a society of "stuff collectors" as somehow along the way "stuff" has become equal to "self worth".

Yes--I 1,000% admit it--I jumped in too! About two weeks ago a cousin in Florida posted a version and I had not seen this making the rounds and I jumped on board--I let my mind say "YEAH STUFF!"  (or it was the second glass of wine making my decisions.)  Then I got the private message with the directions, and I admit, I didn't quite understand the directions (remember, wine, and I am a light-weight). I read it again the next day.  I understood a little better, but I did think that perhaps it was going to be a $60 investment--OK, it makes sense and I can handle that financially-I am blessed with a great job, I am good with money, but far more important than those reasonable, practical things, I am doing something nice for someone else--a concept that has no monetary value in my world these days.

And thought about it-that phrase "these days"  "these days".  It echoed in my head over and over along with "36 pieces of stuff"

HOLY COW-WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I don't want more "stuff!  I don't need more "stuff"!

I have spent the last three years eliminating "stuff" from my life, and while it was painfully evident when I moved in May that I had perhaps allowed some "stuff" to creep back in, I am in a constant purge and merge mode.  "Make life as simple as possible and cut the unnecessary clutter of 'stuff'" --heck--have you seen my hair lately?--I can't tell you when the last time was that it was straight! (Well, ok, truth be told, there was this time last week..., but I digress)

As I mulled over my seemingly poor decision, and more posts of similar subject scrolled through my Facebook feed daily, I thought about the investment in the gift exchange (and my brain still does not comprehend--is really just $10 or is it $60?, but it makes no difference).  I thought about how very blessed my life is--a great job that allows me to work from home (often with crazy hair and dressed essentially to head to the gym or out for a run at a moment's notice), and provide comfortably for my family, an amazing significant other who loves me unconditionally to his core, an incredibly talented and intelligent daughter who is just as beautiful inside as she is outside, family and friends that know the "real me" and chose to love me anyway, which can be a challenge in itself some days! This is the "stuff" that I need.  Not the "36 pieces" of random stuff that the gift exchange promises.

And then, as I often do, I thought about all of those who are not as blessed--jobless or have jobs that barely keep food in their children's mouths and warm, clean clothes on their backs. People that are in relationships that are not loving and caring they they don't know how to change or get out of. Parents that are estranged from children or those that are childless waiting for the chance to become a parent.  Those with no real family or friends to love them and spend the holidays with.  These are the people who need the resources that "36 pieces of stuff" can provide.

I am not looking for 6, 60 or even 600 people to join my Gift Exchange--I am hoping that just one of you will join me in opting out of the gift exchange and instead donate those funds--or even time, talent or other resources, to a local charity of your choice.  Or better yet, if you know of a family or individual struggling this holiday season, find a way to secretly help them--perhaps a gift card sent through the mail or other discrete gesture.

And if I get 6,000 or 60,000 to join us--even better.